Times: Do not call me gay

http://www.timesofmalta.com/articles/view/20121010/blogs/do-not-call-me-gay.440357
Wednesday, October 10, 2012, 07:29 by Alison Bezzina

IMPORTANT Disclaimer - this blog is not to be consumed literally. If you lack the sarcastic gene, please skip to the crosswords.

During my years at University, two of my very best friends hailed from Mellieħa. To be perfectly honest, I always knew that something wasn't quite right with them - for starters, they hung around me out of their own free will, and secondly they hardly ever complained about the long commute to and from University.

Strangely, whereas normal people would hate that daily hour-long nightmare, these very strange people from Mellieħa accepted it in a Zen kind of way.

Weird right ?

Even though I knew all along that I was on to something, at the time I couldn't prove that something was seriously off with the inhabitants of Mellieħa, but today, after an epic decision that was taken by our courts, I've finally confirmed that I was right all along.

Finally, after my long long wait, nothing less than one of the most supreme authorities in our country has made it official - something is in fact very different with all those who live in Mellieħa - so different in fact that anyone living there can probably get away, well if not with murder, definitely with attempted murder.

Of course this came as no news to me, because as I explained before, I knew all along that 'they' are different, and let's face it, how can they not be? Up there, the air is cleaner, the sea is bluer, there are less inhabitants per square meter, their coastline is to die for and, they're only a stone throw away from that other weird place - our sister island, where people have got to be even more different right?

So, today I can finally rest in the knowledge that our court of law has made it official - the mentality of Mellieħa people is in fact different.

I am referring of course to today's epic case of a Mellieha man who purposely ran over and seriously injured, an Australian tourist.

Why you ask?

Well, because he was provoked of course.

For some reason the court's transcript for this case was not made available, but according to news reports back in 2004 the two Australian tourists were getting drunk at a bar in Mellieha when one of them started to insinuate that a Mellieha man, who was at the same bar with friends, was gay (shock horror).

No news report specifies what the insinuation was exactly but, at this point I feel safe to say that this detail is irrelevant.

To cut a long story short, the Australians were eventually thrown out of the bar, and the Mellieha man was heard saying that one of them deserved to be hit by a car. Later that evening, as the Mellieha man was driving home, he saw the Australians walking up the road, and true to his word, he drove into them running over one of them and causing him permanent injuries.

The accused admitted all the charges, and the Magistrate conceded clemency based not only on the fact that the Mellieha man had been provoked, but also on his cooperation, his clean criminal record and, of course, the generally mentality of those who live in Mellieha. According to the Magistrate "while there was nothing wrong in being gay, the fact that the imputation was made before the people of Mellieha might, in the mind of the accused and the people of the locality, have been unacceptable."

So there, now you have it, just as I had suspected all along, people from Mellieha should be forgiven all sorts of things, and attempted murder (after being called gay) should definitely be up there on the list.

In fact with this in mind the Magistrate diligently reduced the punishment by two grades and conditionally discharged the poor Mellieha man for three years.

And more importantly, after all these years trying to prove my theory about those who hail from Mellieha, I'm finally vindicated!