Tuesday, 28 July 2009

MaltaToday: Supermario strikes back!

26.7. 9 by Raphael Vassallo

Brussels beware! Nointendo mascot (and part-time Gozo Bishop) Supermario Grech™ is back in an all-new adventure, ready to defend his Mouldy Macho Kingdom from yet another feminist invasion, this time from Planet Europe.

The story so far...
Welcome to Supermario™’s world: a zany, artificial universe of moral microchips and computer-generated family values; a world in which Human Life is considered sacred at all stages, from conception until natural death... and where dressing up as Jesus Christ for a Carnival party will land you in considerably more trouble than violently murdering your wife.
In part three of the ongoing popular animated sermon, the player once again takes on the role of Mgr Mario Grech: to all outward appearances an unassuming, mild-mannered clergyman, who suddenly transmogrifies into a jumping juggernaut of hysteria each time the words “abortion”, “condom”, “sex education”, or “gay marriage” are so much as whimpered within a radius of 400 miles.

How to play - the basics
Supermario Grech™ is what is known in computer game lingo as a “third person action adventure” – which means you get to play the Father, the Son AND the Holy Spirit, all for the price of one.
Using the directional controls of your specially consecrated console, you must guide the Manic Monsignor through a complex labyrinth of contradictions and logical fallacies – most of which of his own making – all the while avoiding a host of animated perils such as Flying Forceps™, Colour-coded Condoms™ and of course, Jesus Impersonators™.
Remember, however, that not all objects in the Supermario™ universe are evil: our hero also picks up special bonus points whenever he steps on the occasional Fake Plastic Foetus™ (conveniently strewn throughout the known galaxy by our hero’s trusty sidekick, Pro-Life Luigi™).
But before examining the exciting new in-game scenarios and superior graphics, a word about the special new features of the latest Supermario Grech™ instalment.

All new Supermario Grech™ games feature a cabalistic number of implausible devices, all designed to enhance the gameplayer’s mystical experience.
> MGR Motion: Thanks to the new and improved directional arrows, Supermario Grech™ can now move in only three directions: Right, Far Right, and Extreme Right. (Note: any attempt to make the Monsignor go Left will result in automatic excommunication.)
> Holy Homily: At the mere touch of a button, Supermario Grech™ can now compose an instant, on-the-spot Pastoral Sermon, confusing and bewildering all onscreen foes for as long as it takes for our hero to escape any possible embarrassment.
> Ask Benedict: In addition, when confronted with a slightly difficult question – such as: “What exactly do you mean that condom use actually helps spread the HIV/AIDS virus?” – Supermario Grech™ now has the option of automatically transmitting a desperate SOS message to the Virtual Vatican™ (though of course, whether the Papal Processor™ will actually reply or not is another matter).
> Roamer’s Console™ – Also, when in doubt or under any kind of pressure (i.e., all the time), Supermario Grech™ can always resort to the special Anonymous Aggression™ option – resulting in all onscreen foes being bombarded by a never-ending volley of G.K. Chesterton™ quotations. Aaargh!
> Oh, and finally: to avoid any unfortunate misunderstandings, the traditional “Vibrator Effect”™, common to all other Nointendo products, has been removed from Supermario Grech™’s controls.

World One: Supermario and the Cemetery Extension™
And now, onto the game platform itself. In the latest edition, Supermario Grech™ has a whole new generation of digital enemies to contend with: among them, the Furious Farmers™, whose livelihoods are threatened by plans to build a brand new cemetery extension outside the development zones in the silicon valley of Nadur.
The game opens with Supermario™ defending his Church’s environmentally unsound application from a strong lobby of Angry Agriculturalists™, who have meanwhile teamed up with Radical Ramblers™ and FAA Fairies™ to make a holy mess of the Gozo Curia’s well-laid plans.
Supermario™ must first fend off the farmers, then hold the fort long enough for MEPA’s DCC™ to finally issue the permit against its own environmental policies. (Note: You will know you have successfully completed this stage when the valley’s natural spring water turns a sickly shade of green...)

World Two: Supermario and the Closet Skeletons™
Oh, no! Just when you thought your troubles were over, Supermario™’s traditional arch-enemies are back, threatening once more to drag into the hideous light certain – um, let’s just say “mysterious” indiscretions that may or may not besmirch the good Gozo Bishop’s reputation.
This time, however, the evil Closet Skeletons of the Nadur Cemetery have gone too far. Not content with spreading malicious rumours about preferential treatment in the granting of the cemetery permit, they have now taken to spray-painting obscene messages about Supermario™ himself, right onto the Cathedral walls!
Armed only with a paintbrush, a bucket of whitewash and a vast array of utterly meaningless rhetorical devices, Supermario™ must paint over the libellous graffiti, as well as reassure the multitudes as to his own tarnished integrity, before any nosey-parker journalist gets to find out what all those dodgy rumours are actually about...

World Three: Sex and the Supermario™
And now, in the latest edition of the best-selling, Bible-bashing live action game series, your task is to guide and control the Manic Monsignor from Munxar as he jumps from one unlikely conclusion to another, mixing up “relativism” with “relativity” in his desperate efforts to thwart the evil intentions of his arch-enemy, Lara Choice™ – that’s right, from the popular ‘abort-em-all’ series, Womb Raider™.
This time, however, there is a new foe to contend with. For Lara has teamed up with a homosexual hologram named Gay Pride™, who has somehow come into possession of the dreaded “Lesbian Treaty” – an archaic and little understood LGBT artefact, capable of forcing unsuspecting victims to marry members of their own sex, regardless of their own orientation – and, together with an army of teenage mutant pro-choice mothers, she now threatens to abort the entire human race to extinction... while also introducing sex education into primary school, and lowering the age of consent to four and a half months.
Does Supermario Grech™ have enough the absurdity, twisted logic, superstition and sheer lunacy to defeat the final onset of reason? To find out, order your own copy now! (Or alternatively, do what everyone else is doing, and just download the damn thing from the Internet free of charge...)

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