Sunday, November 24, 2013, 00:01 by Sylvanus
I am appalled! (Oh really, I thought you were that boring old fart who is always writing in to complain... Ed.) Yes sir, appalled, disgusted and revolted, by an article I happened upon in your muck-raking organ. (It’s a good trick if you can do it... Ed.) From it, I see that it is being proposed to legalise, what I can only describe as, conjugal liaison between members of the same... ahem... gender.
How dare they! How dare they attempt to destabilise the delicate balance that exists in society between a man and a... non-man. How dare they imply that the sanctity of wedded bliss can ever be replicated by two people of the same... persuasion.
My God, sir, can you imagine it – two navvies occupying the same conjugal bed! Two buck privates in the Malta Land Force sharing a jeep! It doesn’t bear thinking about. Indeed, life as we know it is slowly, but surely, ceasing to exist.
Where has the decency of yore disappeared to? (I expect you’ll tell me... Ed) Whatever happened to our very own unshakeable Christian values? As I said to my local newsagent the other day – I’d called in to collect my copy of Bondage Fortnightly... I take it for the restaurant reviews – “Tell me Karmenu, could you ever see yourself getting up close and personal with me... for example?”
He hesitated only momentarily before replying, in a voice shaking with emotion: “Oh Brigadier, I didn’t know you’d noticed. I’m free as soon as I close the shop.” Yes, it does also mean I’ll have to change my news retailer.
I still can’t believe the news: Pairing up nancy boys – and legally! It beggars belief. I can tell you sir, it would never have happened back in the days of the raj. Indeed, I can well recall the reaction of the good lady wife (GLW), when back in our summer residence in Poonah, she happened upon one of our punkah wallah boys allegedly teaching his friend the correct way to curtsy. The GLW immediately – and with just a few swishes of her riding crop – qualified them both to run in the geldings plate at the next regimental point to point.
And now I read it’s not just queer fellers that are being allowed to marry – in all but name – even the gels are getting roped in... I believe they call them thespians. Outrageous! I mean, for goodness sake... how are they going to sort out which one will shop and nag and which will watch football on television and drink lager. (Depends which one wears the trousers... Ed)
I fear for this island nation of ours and naturally I blame the government. Yes, of course, they are totally responsible for all the smut and filth that surrounds us. Do they know what they are perpetrating? Have they any idea of the massive harm they are causing our children and their children and their children’s children?
Do they care that they are deliberately spawning... yes sir, spawning a generation of perverted degenerates? Are they aware that by actively encouraging the proliferation of sexually deviant behaviour, this once glorious rock of ours is slipping inexorably into a foul mire of their very own making? (Probably not... they’d call it enlightened progress... Ed).
No sir, there is no longer any doubt in my mind that we... as a once civilised society, are on the brink of reliving the nightmare of Soddom and Gomorrah... although in this particular case, more of the former than the latter.
But is it too late to save this once proud bastion of Christian decency? In my eight-plus decades on this planet I have heard and seen much that is both evil and despicable. But I tell you sir, the thought that our dear Malta is on the brink of legalising the union of two hims – and pansies at that... is to my way of thinking – and that of all decent-minded fellow citizens – completely inconceivable... literally!
Yours in apoplectic disgust,
D.G Hardly-Breathing Gatt, KOMR (Ret’d)